I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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