Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm passing your future prison.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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