so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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