I got chris browned last night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
