im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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