I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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