I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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