I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
