Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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