Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
