On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
