I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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