i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
