I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
