I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
