you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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