The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
