captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
