Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
