I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
