I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
