i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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