Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
