There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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