Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
we're so committed to being not committed
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
