Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
