the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
