He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
