I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
