sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
