it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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