so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
