I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Floor bacon is actually really good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
