It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
