My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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