My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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