I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
