just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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