there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
