Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
