Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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