i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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