Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
