I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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