So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
