I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
