I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
