then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
