I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
