Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
