I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
