You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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